Category Archives: Blog

Ready For Ministry? Maybe Not.

not-ready

Recently I have dared to dream about the possibility of returning to ministry… maybe even ministry to children… but I have so many restrictions for what that return looks like that I know I am still not ready.

I recently have been very tempted to jump into an opportunity that has opened up. It would be a Sunday-only, volunteer position with a limited commitment of only a few months. It seems perfect for where I am right now. The desire to do it is new and makes me wonder if I will one day return to full-time ministry. I could imagine myself doing Sunday services with the kids… even at my worst Sunday services were never really a problem. It’s all the other mess that would probably revert me into being a basket case.  Continue reading

What My Minecraft and Perler Bead Buzz Lightyears Turn Up

If you search “Minecraft Buzz Lightyear” some of the stuff that comes up was either made by me or copied from slash inspired by something I did. Enjoy all of the found examples below.

Thanks to all of the folks who have immortalized my stuff by doing your own versions! I’m honored.

First up,

Lego Minifig Buzz Pixel Art

From this blog on December 19th, 2010:

“In 2002 I was very into pixel art… and I really wanted a Buzz Lightyear Lego minifig. Alas there wasn’t such a thing until 2010. Here is what I imagined a Buzz Lightyear Minifig would look like.”

Buzz Lightyear Lego Minifig Pixel Art

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Not Everything Sucks

The last couple posts have been pretty heavy. They were written from a place of pain and reflected feelings that I have when I’m feeling really down. As is the nature with bipolarism I’m feeling sorta okay today. Played some Minecraft. Drew some logos. Actually, digitally painted a logo.

latteam

It’s not super great… but I like um. Not often I do a lot with painting digitally. It’s usually drawing shapes and text and shading and gradients and drop shadows.

So about not everything sucking…

I figured I’d write out some of the good things that have transpired since I quit my job as a Children’s Pastor.

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I’m Anxious, Not Angry. Sad, Not Sanctimonious

depression

I really upset some people with my post yesterday. Some folks assumed I was referencing The Church: The Bride of Christ when I was critiquing American Church Culture. Others took it personally which I don’t understand. I’m writing from a place of pain and loss… not from judgement and condemnation. You’ve got to be in some place of authority to do that… and I’m far from it. I find it a little ridiculous that some people would respond in anger to a plea for acceptance and understanding.

Things will be written in this update that people won’t want to read. That’s because there is a side to depression that’s uglier than depression itself. It’s way society deals with it, the way the church deals with it, the way we deal with it… the way I’m dealing… and I’m going to talk about how all of that has affected myself and my family.

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Church Is Broken When It Comes To The Broken

accepted

It’s hard finding a church when church doesn’t want you.

Jenn and I have been visiting churches for the past few months now. The one we were at is great… but we worked there… and now we don’t… and it’s awkward and a little weird for everyone. So we’ve been looking for somewhere to take the kids and possibly be ministered to ourselves. It’s hard for several reasons. One, because we haven’t had to sit through regular church services for over 10 years. Two because as we were children’s pastors we’re pretty picky about what a church offers it’s kids… and we can see issues from a mile away. Thirdly, because church just doesn’t seem to be set up to accept, support and love broken people. And that’s what we are right now. Very broken people.

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Minecraft Skins I’ve Done

Lately in my free time I’ve been making Minecraft skins. It started when I wanted to update my old Buzz Lightyear player skin. Then I couldn’t find a good Tardis that I liked. Same with the Alien from Toy Story and Shaun from Shaun of the Dead. So I made my own. Feel free to download and use!

To download right click on the skin under each display picture and save.

Buzz Lightyear Minecraft Skin

buzz-minecraft-skin-display

buzz-skin

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General Well-being Update

Okay so hi. I’ll just jump right in. I’m doing loads better in the big picture. It’s up and down from day to day. Even within the same day I can have several mood swings. I have always been thankful that I’ve never swung toward the Anger spectrum of emotions. Sadness and Not-sadness has been the span.

Chest pain is gone… replaced by chest pressure, but only during times of severe anxiety… which are rarer and rarer… long sentence. I never know when or why I’ll feel anxiety about whatever is going on or about to happen. Unless my Mom calls. That’s 100% anxiety for sure.

Sleeping at night is pretty awesome. I’ve had problems sleeping at night for years. My mind just wouldn’t shut down. Between some medication and a “bedtime ritual” (basically doing something until I can’t stay awake then passing out on the couch). Continue reading

The Worst Question You Can Ask A Depressed Person

I’ve noticed that now that everyone knows what I’m dealing with and going through that they don’t know how to act when they see me or my family. It’s awkward and  people don’t know what to say. So I’m writing this to help you how to interact.

Don’t ask, “How are you doing?” or “How are you feeling?” The reason: I feel worse than you can imagine. There are levels and levels of pain and issues that come up as a result of that. You don’t really want to know and I don’t really want to trap you with a long explanation  I don’t even want to tell you the truth… that I feel completely crappy. You can  imagine how that would go. No, I’m going to lie to you. I’m going to tell you that I’m just fine. Right as rain. Because I don’t want to drag you down or be rude… and explaining how I am doing would take a while… and you’re not aware of the Pandora’s Box you’ve opened. So I protect you from that with a  fake smile and a quick lie, “I’m fine!” Please don’t make me lie.

I understand that this is a natural thing to ask anyone, especially someone that’s ailing… but with depression it’s the worst question you can ask. My wife doesn’t even ask. Asking that puts my brain into a self aware state. In an instant I realize that I don’t feel well, that I’m going to disappoint the person asking with the truth, how awkward the situation is, that my whole life, even silly little human interactions, has been affected by this disease and that the future is most likely going to be filled with more things like this and pretty much my entire life and future is screwed. So yeah. It’s a bad question to ask.

Just say, “Hello”, “Good to see you,” or “Please walk away. You’re depression is getting on me.” It doesn’t require a response and doesn’t force me to lie to your face. Continue reading

How My Life Has Been Rocked By Depression

“Depression, that’s why”.

Whatever question you may have about my lack of social media interaction, lack of podcasting, lack of artistic expression, and more recently, lack of job, can be answered by that sentence.

Depression is a broad term that people like me say so they don’t have to talk about anxiety, mood swings, physical pain, hopelessness and more. Especially when talking to people who don’t know much about it. Which is most people. Not that I’m actually talking to that many people.

I’ve struggled with depression in general for a few years now. It started as a general feeling of doom. I went through every day just feeling like everything I did was bound to fail. A friend suggested I see my doctor for this, which blew my mind that you could (or would) see a doctor about such a thing. So I did and I was given a series of meds. Some worked for a while, some didn’t work at all, others brought out anger, and another made me want to sit on the floor all the time. Eventually through months of trial and error we found a drug that managed my serotonin levels and things were just dandy. They stayed that way for about three years.

In those three years I had left my children’s ministry position at a large church in Kansas City for a church in St. Petersburg. Florida was where my wife wanted to raise our kids. Closer to family… and the beach. I was convinced that the high-stress of my former job was the cause of my depression. I didn’t even think to mention it to my new employer and pastor. It was something in my past that we had gotten through and over. The new job surely would make taking any pills unnecessary. Continue reading