I hope to God you folks don’t think Jenn and I have a perfect marriage. We don’t. We have a few things going for us… but some days are better than others. One of the things we struggle the most with is remembering that we’re on the same team.

What does that mean exactly… to be on the same team?

1. We have the same goals.
2. We take care of one another.
3. We do not do things that hurt our teammate.
4. When a teammate is down, we fill in for them.

When someone in a marriage gets angry or frustrated it’s easy to turn that toward the other spouse. Sometimes the stronger a relationship, the more damage it can take… so the more likely we are to abuse it. It’s like hitting a pillow. It doesn’t hurt the pillow so we punch away at full blast. The only problem is even the best relationship isn’t a pillow. It’s a connection… not unlike The Corsican Brothers. They were conjoined twin brothers who were separated. From then on they could each feel what happened to the other. If they fought one another, for instance, it wouldn’t hurt the brother… it would actually hurt themselves. This is how a lack of teamwork affects a marriage.

One of us is hurting. It is taken out on the spouse. It does hurt the spouse… but not as much as it turns around and hurts us. It does this because we’re hurting the very person who is there to help us. Rather than lashing out at someone… why not share your hurt and have someone to lash out with you? That’s what teammates are for.

Jenn and I are a team. The trick is remembering that. We are for one another, not against one another. We want the same things for ourselves, one another and our families. It can be hard to let a spouse help you when you’ve forgotten they’re on your team. That’s why we have just got to let ourselves be vulnerable… blindly believing above all else that we can trust our spouse.

It’s called Faith. When faith is proven enough… it turns into Trust.

Marriage is a lifetime of ‘testing the fences for weaknesses’ like a Raptor in Jurassic Park. We find it so hard to believe we’ve found a love we can keep for a lifetime… we pick away at it to see if we can find a hole. It’s nothing we do consciously… but as we do… and find (and fill) the gaps… the love grows stronger. You find less gaps, less weakness and you can begin to trust more and more because of what you’ve gone through.

I don’t mind admitting we don’t have the perfect marriage because we have a strong one… because it’s been picked at the entire time… and it’s withstood and grown stronger as a result.

I love you Woman!. I’m on your team.

I went to college late in life. I was in my late 20’s when I started and married. It was a little annoying when class conversations would turn toward the subject of Marriage. The college kids talking about it were only guessing, but being true college students, they spoke as if their word was law. I realized a common theme amongst these Christian college students… they were all waiting for the “perfect” spouse. Every one of them had a different idea of what that was… and a different idea of how they would meet them.

They would go into detail of what this person would be like. Godly, kind, disciplined, trustworthy, faithful, etc. They had it all figured out. The only thing I ever wanted to say was:

Are you the type of person would would attract a person like that?

I specifically remember this one angry girl in one class. She was determined not to date at all until she found the “right man”. It was obvious that she was hurt in the past… and that even if the perfect man did come along… he was going to run screaming from her because of all of the baggage.

So to all the singles out there… have your dream man or woman… but make sure you’re becoming the type of person they would be attracted to. The type of person they would deserve to have. The kind of person who could give back rather than sap all of their good qualities dry.

An honest person wants someone honest.

A loving person wants someone who’s loving.

A giving person doesn’t need someone who takes.

A clean-living person doesn’t want someone with addictions.

Mentally create your ideal mate, then imagine the type of person they would want to marry. That’s the you, you need to be.

I love my son. I didn’t know if I could before I had one. I guess I had it in my mind that sons were somehow unlovable. When you have a father who doesn’t stick around… and then a step-father who pretty much hates on you the entire time he’s married to your mother… I guess feeling this way is a natural response.

He didn’t take to me right off like his older sister did at his age. He was a momma’s boy for his first year. We didn’t really bond. This only confirmed my fears that I was going to be a great father to one child… and a terrible one to my youngest. But for some reason, after that first birthday, things started to turn around. He suddenly liked his Daddy. It really helped to know that it wasn’t me. I was just pretty much useless to him for the first year!

He’s just shy of a year and a half. As his personality develops, and I’m introduced to more and more of who he’s becoming… I gotta say… he’s a cool little dude. He loves to laugh, cut up, play jokes, chase and be chased. He is obedient and eager to please. He can switch between tears and a smile almost instantly and he’s already showing signs of being a good hard-working little helper.

I still worry if I’m going to cheat him somehow. I’m never going to be the Dad that plays basketball or football with him. Hunting and fishing aren’t my thing. I don’t play golf or watch sports. I draw. I play video games. I create podcasts and blogs. Not your typical Daddy type stuff. Maybe he’ll take after me… maybe not.

I just have to believe that whether or not I can relate to him… that I’ll always be there to support him. I will provide the constancy in his family, home, discipline and love that he needs to move in the direction God has planned for him. What does the Bible say after all… “train up a child in the way he should go”. I may not do it right… but I’ll at least be doing it in the right direction.

I believe that will work just fine. I turned out okay and I never had that. I can’t wait to see what he’s capable of.

Though there are plenty of reasons the divorce rate of the religious is the same as the non, one of those reasons has to be the way Christians tend to over spiritualize their search for a potential mate. After being in full-time ministry for over 10 years now, I have seen enough of the effects of divorce to call this way of thinking dangerous.

Though I believe God knows who we will eventually marry, I do not believe that he chooses the person that we will spend the rest of our life with in marriage. If he did, the divorce rate would be lower for Christians. Here are some of the dangers I see in believing in the concept of “The One”.

1. It Kills Common Sense

I’ve seen well-meaning people make very stupid decisions about who they date and eventually marry because they they believe this is the person God has sent to them. Since this person already had God’s Stamp of Approval, they accept them almost blindly.

2. It Extends Bad Relationships

When a person puts this kind of pressure on a relationship it becomes necessary for the person believing to accept things they wouldn’t otherwise for fear that they will lose it. If they lose “The One”, then their chances of marital bliss is lost forever in their minds.

3. It Shuts Off God’s Will

When we decide for ourselves what God has chosen, we effectively stop listening to God in that area. Some people put God’s label on their own choices. This limits how much friends, family, spiritual leaders and even the God Himself can argue against it.

In Conclusion

Thought I don’t believe there is a “The One” out there for everyone. I do believe there are right kinds of people… but even a right type of person can change and become the wrong person. That is why it’s important to keep your God-given eyes open. Use the common sense you were given. Trust that God has great things for you… and be open to the possibility that you don’t know what those are and when they will come. Allow him to guide you every step along your path rather than deciding which direction he wants you to God and heading off without looking back.