Recently I have dared to dream about the possibility of returning to ministry… maybe even ministry to children… but I have so many restrictions for what that return looks like that I know I am still not ready.

I recently have been very tempted to jump into an opportunity that has opened up. It would be a Sunday-only, volunteer position with a limited commitment of only a few months. It seems perfect for where I am right now. The desire to do it is new and makes me wonder if I will one day return to full-time ministry. I could imagine myself doing Sunday services with the kids… even at my worst Sunday services were never really a problem. It’s all the other mess that would probably revert me into being a basket case. 

Here are some thoughts on the subject from my journal… written during a very low period earlier this month.

I am not and never was a good man, much less a good pastor. A talented man, a gifted pastor, but not good. I hate people. I hate their needs. I hate going to hospitals. I hate their resistance to change. Their inability to follow leadership and share in a vision. I hate the cliques and the pecking order. The politics and the favoritism. Pastors don’t hate these things.

Obviously I don’t hate people… I just have a strong feeling of aversion toward what they represent in the context of ministry and the drain they represent on my limited emotional energies. It’s this feeling that keeps me from believing that I will ever be able to do proper christian ministry as a pastor ever again. Because pastors these days are content providers in a building full of consumers, rather than leaders who are empowering a group of God’s servants. The work of the ministry is done by the pastor… and the people come to partake… which is not the way it was ever meant to be.

This is why I’m not keen to jump back into things. My role as a pastor is tainted by the expectations of a fallen church culture. To succeed my primary motivation must become pleasing people over pleasing God. Giving them what they want rather than what they need. I’m judged by the quality of my publications, the frequency of my special events, the hipness of my room decorations. My week would soon be filled with program planning, volunteer wrangling, policy enforcement, parent pacification, board scrutiny plus 12 dozen other things and after all that (rather ‘in the midst of that’) I would find the time to scrape together a word from the Lord for my kids and then find a way to make it memorable, applicable and fun.

I used to say this before all this mess, “I’m called to ministry… I’m not called to the office.” But that’s 5/7th’s of the job. Why is so much time spent on non essential things? Because we have to manipulate people into doing what God has called them to do. And that’s the crap I can’t handle anymore.

If the church were full of disciples you wouldn’t have to have a huge capital campaign to raise money for a much needed building expansion. You wouldn’t even have to have a simple bake sale for Junior Bible Quiz t-shirts. The need would be presented and God’s people would respond. The constant volunteer recruitment that is necessary to keep a children’s ministry afloat would fade away as people responded selflessly to the need rather than being kept away by their insecurities, lack of ability and, quite honestly, laziness. The rich wouldn’t get preferential treatment and their money wouldn’t buy influence. Pastors could focus more on generating greater spiritual depth in their congregation rather than quashing rumors, catering to noisy manipulators and entitled long term members (like attendance should be any measure of spirituality at all in life ever).

So in a nutshell… I’m ready to do ministry. I’m just not ready for all the crap that goes along with it. The important things being pushed aside by the urgent things. I’ve always said, “You can’t take a picture of what makes a ministry great”. That means that the important things about ministry can’t be measured easily or maybe at all. So rather than personal spiritual growth in individuals, closeness to God, adherence to God’s Word, healed relationships, salvations that stick, Christian character, sharing your faith, being a person of integrity we look to the things we can measure. Numbers of people, building improvements, successful events, stage design, worship song selection, how many times I got goose bumps during service, on and on.

So what hope do I have of finding a church that operates like that? Probably none… but maybe there’s a place that is striving for it. I don’t need the perfect church… I would just screw one of those up anyway… I just want a place that prioritizes the Kingdom of God.

After all, if we “Seek ye first” won’t all the other things we want happen automatically? Maybe the things we want aren’t wrong… we’ve just got them out of order. It’s like we’re trying to apply the icing without the cake.