Honesty Is The Best Policy When You’re Angry

I got angry the other day. I took it out on my wife by blowing up about something stupid. After a while she came back and wanted to talk. I didn’t. I was mad about something specific… but for some reason I didn’t want to talk about it.

Though it was one of the hardest things I’ve done recently… I walked in after a few moments and blurted out the real issue. I felt childish, stupid, over emotional and completely unmanly… but I was honest… and it helped.

1. It gave my wife a reason for my anger.

2. It helped her understand my reaction.

3. It opened the floor for discussion.

4. It humiliated me and humility drives away anger.

This a very risky post… talking about my failures… but failing is the only way I learn. Any great advice you get from this blog, or any of our podcasts was learned in pretty much the same way… through a trial of some kind.

Poll: Are you Full-time, Part-time or Volunteer

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I’m just curious about the folks reading and contributing to CMMonthly.com.

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What Are Your Delegation Tips?

An example of ministry

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Every single podcast I do has an underlying purpose. Nobody’s Listening is about sharing a Christian’s life with the masses. Geek Loves Nerd is about helping married people get along. Children’s Ministry Monthly is about helping the ministers that are overlooked in the current ‘leadership focused’ trend.

CMMonthly is a ‘Christian’ show. Geek Loves Nerd is a show driven by Biblical truths and practical life applications. But Nobody’s Listening is just a clean comedy podcast done by two Christians and a Seeker. I’ve had a very few folks question this over the years… and I’m sure my worst critics are those who haven’t even let themselves be known. The criticism would be why haven’t I produced a Christian comedy podcast rather than just a clean one?

The answer is simple: I only do shows that I would want to listen to myself… and I don’t listen to Christian podcasts. Neither do folks who are not Christians.

I thought I would share some examples of the great ministry that goes on behind the scenes specifically of Nobody’s Listening Podcast. Not with the intention of defending myself, (only the guilty need do that) but as a way of sharing the joy I have experienced, and hopefully promoting the idea of just doing a great show rather than a great Christian show.

From an anonymous teen:

please dont read this on the show
if when you pray to god and you just say the same thing do you still pray???
plz get back to me when u can

I think prayers should be like conversations. When we talk to our parents or friends… do we say the same things? When you talk to God you can talk to him like a friend.

Sometimes it helps me to pray using a guide… Up, Out, In.

Up = I thank God for being there, and for anything he’s done in my life recently.
Out = I pray for those around me and the world.
In = I pray for my own needs and shortcomings.

Of course this isn’t THE way to pray… it’s just one possibility.

I hope that answers your question,

James

yea it dose

One gentleman goes from:

I’m an Atheist. I don’t think injecting God would help since it would be like trying to draw blood from a termite.

To:

Whatever God has in store for me, I accept it. I don’t pray for perfection. I pray for peace, happiness, love

I’m a gamer and podcast geek, and found out about Nobodies Listening through ELR but kept putting off subscribing to the show until a few weeks ago.
Through that I heard about Geek Loves Nerd and downloaded that show the beginning of last week and listened to your last show today. Your shows have really inspired me to look to God more. I’m not ready to find a church yet and based on my childhood have a really warped view of Him and need a major healing in my heart in that area but I wanted you to know you have planted a seed through your podcast and I wanted to say thank you.

I just really appreciate the podcasts you put up and the fact that you are straight forward about your purpose it sure beats having to listen to someone who tries to be fake about everything or tries to change themselves for what other people want.

Even though I’m an atheist I still like the podcast. Keep it up

Just wanted to let you know that I am an atheist and enjoy your podcast

I am a pagan who really enjoys the podcast and I don’t mind you religion or it’s influence on the show, I like it.

I’m another pagan, and while I try not to hug too many trees, I really don’t own a wand.Or an owl, unfortunately. I call myself more a polytheist, though. I really don’t mind the Halleluiah’s of the show, it just makes it more unique to you.

Interesting story that happened recently, while waiting for the bus… I was standing under a shady area, by myself. Three girls came my way, they had crossed the road and headed in my direction. They stood in front of me, and at first I thought "Oh Crap, they’re going to trip me and steal my bags" – instead, they asked about me, where I came from, where I worked and then offered to pray for me, because I looked sad.

Then I thought, with this recession, who isn’t? If I were someone else I would’ve told them: (in Norwegia accent) "I’ve got news forrr Youuuu… I’m not a Kreeest-chian!" But I said "Sure! Do we hold hands?" They laughed, shocked that I was probably the first that didn’t shoo them away as I later noticed that they were offering to do this to others along the trail. One girl was almost nervous in putting her hands on my shoulder and I told her not to worry, I wasn’t going to burst into flames. I actually felt fantastic after that. 😀 I decided that the prayer should go to my mom, as she needed them more than me.

A Great Idea For Your Wife’s Birthday – A Shopping Date

It’s a simple idea really. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. This year I took my wife on a Shopping Date.

We started off by going to dinner at the place of her choice. Then we went to various stores and purchased things I knew she would like. I already had a list… I just took her with me shopping so she could pick out exactly what she wanted. She ended up with two books, a candle and a full length mirror. I offered ice cream… but she was full from dinner.

The benefits are plenty:

Spending time along with husband
Kids-free time
Shopping!!
Guilt-free spending (I saved for it)
No guesswork on my part

We’re still going to do the cake and presents thing for the kids. I’ll take them to Walmart and let them pick out something… but I think this is going to become a new tradition. She loved it!

Delegating Is Hard.. But Worth It

Delegating is harder than doing it yourself… but it’s worth it.

Training someone else to do your job may sound like a great deal. You give it away and don’t have to worry about it any more. Not true. Giving away a task means you have to train the person… and constantly evaluate what they’re doing to make sure they’re doing it correctly and improving along the way. It won’t always be harder than doing it yourself… but you’ll never want to completely walk away. The ministry is still your responsibility.

Here’s how to delegate properly.

They watch you do it – We must always, always, always display what we want. Folks who have never done an object lesson will never ever learn what you want in a conversation or from a manual. They need to see it in motion.
They help you do it – Bring them up on stage with you and have them help you. There is no time limit on any of these steps. If they need three weeks singing behind you as you lead… give it to them.
You help them do it – It’s a major step… but you’re still there to support and help if they need you. This is a far cry from the typical way folks are dropped head-first into children’s ministry with no training or leadership. Give your volunteers the gift you may have never had yourself.
You watch them do it – This is the step that never ends. Offer a lot of praise. Give constructive feedback. Keep them in the service prep loop. Make them a part of your team. This is more on you than them.

Delegating is harder than doing it yourself… but it’s more than worth it.

Why Kids Respond To Moms and Dads Differently

“My kids treat myself and my husband very differently. They seem to respect him more… he only has to say things once to get what he wants from them. They seem more needy and whiny around me. Any advice?”

Barb

That sounds a lot like what goes on in our own home. Our two have two different behavior patterns based on which parent they’re around. This seems pretty typical across the board. Kids even do this between parents and teachers for instance. I know of a few kids who are terrible at home, but are the best students a teacher could ask for. I’ve given this a lot of thought and have come to some conclusions as to why kids are different around one parent verses the other.

1. Moms and Dads provide needs differently.

In our home Mom is the primary provider of food and care. Dad is the primary provider of fun and chores. The kids don’t typically come to me when they’re hungry. They don’t typically go to Jenn when they’re wanting to be thrown up in the air or tickled. That results in a different set of behaviors automatically. Approaching Mom when they’re hungry feels and looks a lot different than coming to Dad for some fun.

2. Moms and Dads discipline differently.

In my home I tend to be the primary disciplinarian. I tend to be a bit more demanding as I expect my children to respond the first time I request something. Jennifer is a bit softer and seems more willing to put up with excess whining or complaining. Kids know which parent they can ‘get away’ with such things and which they can’t.

I don’t believe you’re ever going to get kids to act exactly the same around each parent… nor would you want the to. Kids need both types of parents and the differences they provide. I find that Jennifer and I balance one another out quite a bit. Without her influence, I would tend to be to tough and demanding. Without my help, the kids might just run all over her. That being said, there are some things that should be consistent between parents.

1. Kids Should Equally Respect Both Parents

In our home it is my job to make sure my kids understand that my wife is to be respected and obeyed as much they do me. I literally had to sit down with our daughter and explain my relationship to her Mother and how much I love her… and that treating Mommy right is more important to me than the way my daughter treated me.

2. Kids Should Equally Obey Both Parents

Moms and Dads can get more consistent obedience from their kids by establishing constant expectations, limits and consequences. Kids act differently between parents because expectations and limits are different. Face it, if you spank… Dad’s spank harder… mom’s spank more. It’s different and garners a different behavior.

Sit down with your spouse and share what works and doesn’t work about discipline in your home. Share tips and tricks that you use to get what you want from your kids. Establish minimum requirements for behavior so that you both will know when to step in and correct behavior. Set up a series of escalating consequences for bad behavior that you both will follow. When discipline is consistent, behavior is consistent.

For more information on discipline check out an 8-part mini-series I did called Proper Discipline in Children’s Ministry. It’s written for children’s ministers… but the concepts apply at home even more than in the church setting.

The Pastor James Show

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About 5 years ago I was not a delegator. I felt that everything to do with the main children’s service on Sunday morning had to be created, developed and delivered by me alone. That’s what they were paying me to do. I was the children’s pastor. I was doing okay.

Then came a new volunteer that I quickly gained a lot of respect for named John. He had been the son of a well-known pastor and was trying to rise into ministry on his own without relying on his father’s name. I respect that kind of thing. After a few months I asked him what he thought of the service. He said something that rocked my world forever…

“The Pastor James Show was awesome!”

I doubt he even realized how much he was saying. Not only was he pointing out that I was doing everything on stage… it suddenly sounded very prideful and self-centered. That wasn’t my heart… but as I thought and prayed through, God showed me that pride was most defiantly an element.

I almost immediately started sharing portions of my service with my volunteers. I had someone else start leading worship. I appointed a game leader. I started asking folks to come in a little early to set up the room in 15 minutes rather than the 2 hours it was taking my wife and I to do it the night before alone. I quickly realized something…

My ministry had been limited by how much I was doing.

How jacked up is that! I was working harder than ever… but because I was doing it alone… I was limiting how effective my ministry was. As I delegated more and more I found that I had more time to focus on things I didn’t even realize I wasn’t doing. Things like building relationships with parents for example. Updating policies and procedures for another.

Thinking I was the only one who could do it right was Pride.

The Pastor James Show wasn’t about the kids… it wasn’t so much about God… it was about Pastor James. I didn’t intend for that to be the case… but when people looked up there… that’s who was shining bright… me. When I started giving stuff away, and helping others become the better and better I realized something… If you succeed more than I would in my ministry… I still win. Wins don’t only come 1st hand… they come when people you disciple and developed win as well.

Doing everything means I was focused on nothing.

I wasn’t being a children’s pastor… I was being a worship leader, puppet master, stage manager, sound and video director, security coordinator, disciplinarian, game leader and more. My job was supposed to be to bring the Word… but it was only after I let go of so much that I realized how little I was actually developing a real and genuine message from God to his children. I was more focused on schedules, props, time management and such than I was on rightly dividing the Word of God. That has defiantly changed as a result of delegating.

All of the benefits didn’t happen overnight. Giving away pieces of your job isn’t easy at first… it’s actually a lot harder than doing it yourself for a time. That’s why most folks don’t bother… but we’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

The Power of Admitting Fault To Our Children

sorry+squirrel

I’ve never been able to idolize any human being who came across as perfect. I can’t believe in something that I know isn’t real. That’s why I like my heroes to be imperfect. If they can be human… and still be awesome… that is something I can hope to achieve.

I have to believe that our children need the same type of example from us. So many times though, we parents feel that if we’re not right 100% of the time, then we lose somehow. We’re not sure what we’ll lose… but it’ll be gone and we’ll miss it and that is that!

The problem is, thinking back to my own childhood, I knew when my parents made mistakes. I made decisions, pacts, and judgments based on what I understood at the time. If they tried to gloss it over, or pretend it never happened, or even worse, make like it was right… it had the opposite effect they were hoping for. I lost respect for them and swore, once more, never to be like them.

The solution to this issue is difficult but simple. When we screw up as a parent or spouse… we need to admit it and apologize. Our kids see us when we’re acting stupid… and they need to see what happens as a result. They need to see us humble ourselves. They need an example of how to fail. We’re afraid to show weakness… but it takes guts to let it show. It takes strength to be weak.

The other day I got mad with my wife. I was loud and annoyed. Like a flash in the pan it was over… but there were my kids at the breakfast table looking at me. My daughter asked what was wrong. I told her that I got angry with Mom… but I was wrong and shouldn’t have been loud. She learned that this wasn’t acceptable or typical behavior. It wasn’t the norm… and wouldn’t be the norm. Dad was wrong and would correct the behavior. Emotional scarring averted.

It’s not the only time I have had to apologize to her. Once I was mistaken in a discipline situation. Mom had told her one thing, I didn’t know about it and told her another. Tears and confusion followed. I went to her room and told her what had happened… that she wasn’t in trouble… and that I was wrong and very sorry. You could see the hurt melt away from her eyes. Again, emotional scarring averted.

Apologizing is powerful. It sets an example. Creates accountability within the family. Helps kids see a direct link between the standards you have for them and the benefits as an adult. Mostly though, it makes you real. It turns around a negative and makes it a positive. It bonds your kids to you rather than pushing them away.

The goal with apologizing is to do it as much as necessary, but as little as possible.

JamesKennison.com

Website of artist, podcaster, husband, father James Kennison