How many times do arguments in a relationship start with a misunderstanding… um… every stinking time perhaps? Something like that. Here are a few hoops you can jump through before dragging yourself and your mate into a three hour shout-fest over nearly nothing.

1. Ask Them To Repeat And Clarify Their Comment

Before you get all angry over a comment, at least make sure you heard what they said correctly. I can’t tell you the times I’ve blown up over something that was never ever said!

2. Assume That You’re Taking It Worse Than Was Intended

I recall in the movie Wolverine where he says “Bub” but The Blob character hears him say “Blob” because he’s sensitive about his weight. We’re the same way. For some reason our brain loves to trick us into thinking folks are saying the exact thing we need to hear in order to be the most offended and hurt. Just knowing this about ourselves can help.

3. Is The Comment A Reply To Your Misunderstood Comment?

When people who love one another say hurtful things, 9 times out of 10 it’s in an attempt to defend themselves against something hurtful. You can judge how bad something you said hurt them by how much their reply stings you. If you say something that gets that kind of response, rather than fire back something awful, realize they may have misunderstood you and find out what they heard you say. Once they understand that you weren’t trying to rip out their heart… things can deescalate.

Two people who love one another are two people who put the other person’s feelings before their own. That doesn’t happen naturally. If it were, it wouldn’t be an act of love in the first place. Take the time and make a decision about your actions rather than allowing yourself to simply react to a comment and you will have that much more peace in your relationship.

I remember when it was just play-doh… and that was it. Now they’ve got so many gadgets that I’ve noticed that we don’t ever just shape things ourselves. I challenged Jenna to make a dog without any tools. She did great… but obviously wasn’t pleased with the outcome. She started clumping bits and pieces of doh around his body then said laughing, “He’s stuck in a bush!”

In a small way it’s inspiring. Though she wasn’t happy with the outcome, she didn’t get frustrated, she turned it into something she could enjoy and share with others. That took creativity, positivity and humor.

All from playing play-doh.

Sometimes parenting can feel like more of a chore than a blessing. Especially with young kids. Keeping them out of trouble and busy can easily become a chore than takes up your entire day. If we’re not careful we run the risk of herding them and caring for them but secretly resenting them for taking up all of our time.

I’m finding that one of the keys to successful parenting is to be selfless. I find that when I decide a the beginning of the day that I’m going to put every one else’s needs first, then I’m not surprised by the demands of my preschoolers. I’m not disappointed by how much work it is.

Children are not chores to be done. Neither are they tasks to be completed. They are little humans who need our care and our love. As an added bonus they’re cute and funny. Make a choice today to find enjoyment in your children. What makes each one special and unique? Revel in that today. Our children are gifts from God. Yeah they can be a pain… but they’re capable of bringing joy as well.

5. Draw them a picture

Think of all the times they’ve drawn pictures for you. It’s how they show you they love you. Drawing you and them standing hand-in-hand with your house in the background… maybe put the dog in there. It’s a great way to let your youngun know how you feel about them. If you really don’t want to bother, let me draw you a picture for them!

4. Take them on a date

If you have a ton of kids, take them two at a time… but if you only have a few, set up a time where it’s just you and them out on the town. Take them out to eat, get dessert, then a movie or just go shopping. It’s a great way to bond and it makes them the center of your world with none of the distractions of home around to bother you.

3. Talk about them to others

There is nothing I loved more as a child than to overhear my mom talking me up to her friends. It only happened a few times that I remember… but I remember each one to this day. She’d talk about how I was bringing my grades up. How I was such a good artist for my age. She’d brag on my improving behavior. Not only will you kids’ heart soar… they will want to impress you even further!

2. Let them help you

If you’re still lucky enough to have kids that want to help you around the house… let them! Yes it’s more difficult and will take a lot more time… but they want to help! That’s priceless! Not only are you teaching them the benefits of work by making it fun… it’s develops a part of your relationship that nothing else can. It makes you a team. Your child feels they are side-by-side with you, for just that moment… it makes them feel big. It gives them a preview of adulthood… and a good one at that. They’ll learn from you and they’ll want to grow up just like you.

1. Tell them you love them

I casually tell my kids I love them all the time. But once in a while I literally hold my girl’s head in my hands and stare deep into her eyes and say, “Girl, I love you so much.” She’s 4 and a half… and she tears up almost every time.

I grew up without most of the things on this list. Chances are you missed out too. I strive to raise my kids the way I wanted to be raised. They’re so much like me already. It’s going to be awesome seeing them become more than I ever could because they’re getting what they need now. Let’s all commit to giving what we didn’t receive.

The key to getting to do whatever you want is to outwork your wife… or at least try.

Clean the house, bathe the kids, do the dishes and the floors… then go play video games and see if she says anything. I have discovered this great power recently and I want to share it with you. It’s not easy to do because it actually feels at first like you’ll never get another free moment again in your life… but I believe that very feeling is what most of our wives feel every moment. Once they know we feel it too we become unified. The goal isn’t to equalize the work… but to be willing to do even more. So quit keeping score… and you will find that there is more time for the things you love to do than you ever thought possible. Guilt-free time… which is precious and rare.

Do you like bullet lists? I do:

• Become completely selfless.
• Set a goal to outwork your spouse.
• Commit at least three days to this goal before cashing in.
• Make it a part of your daily schedule… not just a one time thing.
• Game on!

You’ll also find other benefits… like a cleaner home, a calmer wife, happier kids, more enjoyment of your free time. The list goes on. Try it today!

Husbands and Dads… what kind of things do you do around the house to bless your wife and kids? Share in the comments!

Natural Rewards & Consequences

Children, at their core, are simple creatures. They’re not so different from us. Behavior that has benefits to them is repeated. Behavior that has negative consequences are not. Two simple categories right? Yes… but they both apply in two ways. Let me break it down like this:

• Good behaviors that have naturally occurring benefits will be repeated.
• Good behaviors that have naturally occurring (seemingly) negative consequences will not be repeated.
• Bad behaviors that have a naturally occurring benefit will be repeated.
• Bad behaviors that have a naturally occurring negative consequences will not be repeated.

Basically I’m trying to point out that some good behaviors are their own reward… other good behaviors are not. Some, like cleaning a room, have built-in benefits. Others, like telling the truth, can seem to have consequences rather than rewards for our kids. Our goal as proper disciplinarians is to exaggerate the benefits of good behavior and the consequences of the bad. This becomes especially important when life seems to reward the bad and punish the good. Parents are wise when they provide incentives for children to choose the right over the wrong in spite of naturally occurring consequences.

Rewardable Behavior & Expected Behavior

If you’ve read any of my other articles on Proper Discipline then you know that I believe in setting Minimum Standards for your Child. Minimum standards help you to be consistent when discouraging unwanted behavior. On the other end of the spectrum is what I would call Expectations. Expectations is a fair and achievable set of goals we set for our children’s behavior.

Have a look at the diagram below:

Anything between your Minimum Requirements and your Expectations is Expected or Good Behavior. Note that even the color of the background has a purpose. Expected behavior is not Perfect Behavior. Children are still allowed to have moods, bad hair days and etc… as long as they don’t drop below our Minimum Requirements. Anything above our Expectations is Rewardable Behavior… and anything that drops blow our Minimum Requirements is punishable. I keep this diagram as a mental image in my mind when dealing with my children. Placing a mental pin on based on their current behavior helps me know what my reaction should be.

Practical Application Time

Enough theory… let’s put this into practice. There was a time that my daughter got a Skittle every time she went potty. Back in the day going potty was an action that rose above her expected behavior at the time since she was still wearing diapers. Once that behavior became standard and expected, the reward was removed. I’m not going to be giving her Skittles for the rest of her life! That girl goes so much she’d be bigger than me by now!

I also don’t reward her for keeping her room clean. It’s expected behavior and it has it’s own reward. She loves her room once it’s clean. She’s learning to put things away faster so she can enjoy it once she’s done. Currently there are rewards for eating or at least trying certain foods. My girl is a very picky eater… and though we don’t make her eat things she outright doesn’t like… we insist that she tries one bite each time we have it. Our Minimum Requirement is that she eat at least one bite. Our Expectation (or Goal) is that she will develop a taste eventually and eat it all. She is praised verbally when she tries the food, and she has gotten better at it, but we save dessert for when she eats a fair bit or all. Recently she finally decided she liked mashed potatoes (told you she was picky) and she was rewarded.

Conclusion

• Some behaviors have their own rewards and consequences.
• Parents need to make sure good behaviors are rewarding and bad behaviors have consequences especially when life rewards bad behavior or punishes good.
• Expected behavior is appreciated but not rewarded.
• Rewardable behavior is that which exceeds your expectations at the time.
• Today’s Rewardable Behavior is tomorrow’s Expected Behavior.

If this made any sense at all… or if you have questions… please post them in the comments. If there are ever any more specific questions I can answer concerning discipline, please email me at james@nlcast.com.

Last night was a trying evening for me. Most of the parents we serve a awesome, grateful and accommodating… but the mom I dealt with last night was none of those. I don’t know what got to me most… her behavior or the way I responded to it.

In a nutshell, she had three children. One was nursery age. The Nursery was full so she tried to sneak her newly-turned three year old into an older class without checking in. I stepped in and corrected the situation. Mom was angry and started talking trash.

Here are some things I learned that will help me deal with this type of person in the future.

1. You can’t reason with them.

They know what they want. They want to be rid of their child. This type of person wouldn’t care if they were dropping their child off at a homeless shelter… they just want what they want. Don’t waste your time trying to appease them if you can’t give them what they want. Just like a troll on a forum, it just gives them more of a platform to spew anger.

2. Trust your policies and procedures.

These folks will lie… they will tell you their way had been done before… that everything was fine last time… that you told them such-in-such. Though you’ll want to believe them… trust your people. Trust that they followed the policies and procedures until you’ve spoken to them and learned otherwise. Do not assume your volunteers have disregarded everything you’ve taught them just because one person says differently.

3. You can’t serve everyone.

I have a huge heart for people. I hate it when I’m put in the place of looking like a bad guy… but that’s not my role unless someone is behaving in a way that forces me to squash that behavior. My ministry has the potential of being a great resource and help to families… but if someone is unwilling to follow simple, basic policies… they are rejecting all of that. The part that kills me is that they don’t even know what they’re missing. I understand that people have issues… but Children’s ministry functions within a set of rules. Those rules are not just for fun… they’re for the protection of the folks we’re ministering to… and those who are ministering. When we have someone who can’t do the basics of following procedure… well, there are plenty of churches out there who have more heart than sense… they can go to church there.

4. Did they have a point?

After all of the drama and bad behavior I still need to ask myself… Did they have a point? Was there something we missed? If I don’t ask that question and attempt to answer it seriously, I risk being a ministry who believes they have ‘arrived’. We always have room to grow and improve. In this case I realized that if we’d simply had enough workers in the Nursery, there would have been no issue at all. I understand at least part of the frustration my parent felt.

What would you add to this list? Share you insights in the comments.