This is the Solar Patroller Buzz Lightyear. I hate him. I have several reasons I hate him… and then a story.

This is easily the most outlandish Buzz Lightyear character spin-off ever made… and I own him.

Here is an example of another spin-off Buzz that is actually pretty good. It’s Racer Buzz. Part of a series with Woody and other characters along with cars. All customized just a bit.

Oh, Solar Patroller Buzz how I hate thee. Let me count the ways.

1. You are red.
2. You have giant shoulder pads like The Juggernaut.
3. Your dome is dark and I can’t see your face.
4. Your buttons are all yellow.
5. Why are you screwing around with the Sun?
6. Your little leg wings. Are you delivering flowers these days?
7. Lastly, I hate that the Space Ranger logo on your left arm is UPSIDE DOWN!

See…

Let’s hate on the back a little.

Stuff I hate about the back.

1. The wings are giant and oddly flexible.
2. The wings attach at the butt.

I realized that the plastic tinted dome rises up and I can see Buzz’s face for the first time.

Easily the most jacked up Buzz Lightyear expression yet. It’s like he’s trying to smile but has a bug or something in his left eye. But there’s more… the face looks completely evil yet completely dumb at the same time. I did some photoshopping and now realize why it feels that way to me.

Duplicating the right side of his face shows the dumb side. His eyes have that Rodney Dangerfield thing going on giving him kind of a dazed and stupid look.

Duplicating the left side reveals how EVIL Solar Patroller Buzz really is. Look at him. It’s perfect yet evil. Even his eyes are locked right on you.

I had this thing mint in the package since 2002 util last year. I hated him so much that I gave him to my son. That sounds terrible. I just figured he might actually play with it.

A Sad Buzz Lightyear Story

The real reason I hate this thing is due to a Christmas gift exchange at the church I worked for back then. Every year about 50 of us would draw names and purchase a gift for them and then give them one at a time at a “party” with snacks and soda. You know how it goes. We’re urged to keep the items at 20 dollars. Well it just so happened that I drew the Lead Pastor’s name. He was the new boss. I felt no small amount of pressure to buy the perfect gift in order to impress him. I found an amazing giant lava lamp that I just could not get out of my mind. It even had the right colors to match his office. The problem was it was 100 dollars. After much inner debate I bought it.

Fast-forward to the party… it’s his turn to open his package. He loved it! Everyone at the table was like, “ooooh”. A great response. Well worth it. Plus, I took solace knowing that I would probably get a great gift of my own.  Fast-forward again and I’m opening my gift. Just before I can make out what it is, the lady who apparently had drawn my name says, “I heard you love Buzz Lightyear!” Super excited! Ripped back the paper and there was Solar Patroller Buzz in all his jacked up glory.

Two things that immediately went through my head. This is the ugliest Buzz Lightyear I’d ever seen… and that it had probably cost the lady a grand total of 6 bucks. Not 20… not even 10… 6. So I hate this toy for reasons greater than just it’s outward appearance. I’d spent 100 bucks and got a crap toy that didn’t even cost half of the amount we were supposed to spend.

A Sad Lady Story

The lady wasn’t the brightest bulb in the world anyway. Once I caught her photocopying documents onto transparencies (clear film)… then copying the transparencies on to pre-printed paper. The first thing that tipped me off that something was wrong was that our church bulletins were looked like they were copied back in 1981. Specks and artifacts and more. It looked like a copy of a copy of a copy.

It took me a few days of watching to figure out that was what she was doing. It took a couple more days to get up the nerve to ask why. She says something like this, “I have to copy it onto the transparency so that it won’t copy the white onto the colored paper”. I literally looked at her dumbfounded for a moment. She was afraid that the white part of the paper would copy onto the pre-printed paper along with the black text. It took me a while to convince her to skip the transparency process. That the only thing that prints on a copier is the black no matter what. Even though she started doing it my way… I still don’t think she ever understood why or how it worked.

So I need to go easy on her. She tried to get me a good gift… she just failed epically. I forgive you crazy office lady!

What’s the most jacked up gift you’ve ever gotten in an office gift exchange? Share it in the comments.