Monthly Archives: July 2009

A Great Idea For Your Wife’s Birthday – A Shopping Date

It’s a simple idea really. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. This year I took my wife on a Shopping Date.

We started off by going to dinner at the place of her choice. Then we went to various stores and purchased things I knew she would like. I already had a list… I just took her with me shopping so she could pick out exactly what she wanted. She ended up with two books, a candle and a full length mirror. I offered ice cream… but she was full from dinner.

The benefits are plenty:

  • Spending time along with husband
  • Kids-free time
  • Shopping!!
  • Guilt-free spending (I saved for it)
  • No guesswork on my part

We’re still going to do the cake and presents thing for the kids. I’ll take them to Walmart and let them pick out something… but I think this is going to become a new tradition. She loved it!

Delegating Is Hard.. But Worth It

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Giving away parts of your ministry responsibilities is mandatory if you want a thriving, growing ministry that’s not bound by your limits and abilities. A children’s minister that is secure in their calling can allow others to develop parts of their ministry… even if that volunteer is more talented with it than we are!

If there are so many benefits to delegation… why aren’t more ministers doing it? Other than the common reasons ministers don’t delegate, I think it’s because it’s harder than doing it yourself (at first) and folks simply don’t know how to do it properly.

Delegating is harder than doing it yourself… but it’s worth it.

Training someone else to do your job may sound like a great deal. You give it away and don’t have to worry about it any more. Not true. Giving away a task means you have to train the person… and constantly evaluate what they’re doing to make sure they’re doing it correctly and improving along the way. It won’t always be harder than doing it yourself… but you’ll never want to completely walk away. The ministry is still your responsibility.

Here’s how to delegate properly.

  1. They watch you do it – We must always, always, always display what we want. Folks who have never done an object lesson will never ever learn what you want in a conversation or from a manual. They need to see it in motion.
  2. They help you do it – Bring them up on stage with you and have them help you. There is no time limit on any of these steps. If they need three weeks singing behind you as you lead… give it to them.
  3. You help them do it – It’s a major step… but you’re still there to support and help if they need you. This is a far cry from the typical way folks are dropped head-first into children’s ministry with no training or leadership. Give your volunteers the gift you may have never had yourself.
  4. You watch them do it – This is the step that never ends. Offer a lot of praise. Give constructive feedback. Keep them in the service prep loop. Make them a part of your team. This is more on you than them.

Delegating is harder than doing it yourself… but it’s more than worth it.

Why Kids Respond To Moms and Dads Differently

“My kids treat myself and my husband very differently. They seem to respect him more… he only has to say things once to get what he wants from them. They seem more needy and whiny around me. Any advice?”

Barb

That sounds a lot like what goes on in our own home. Our two have two different behavior patterns based on which parent they’re around. This seems pretty typical across the board. Kids even do this between parents and teachers for instance. I know of a few kids who are terrible at home, but are the best students a teacher could ask for. I’ve given this a lot of thought and have come to some conclusions as to why kids are different around one parent verses the other.

1. Moms and Dads provide needs differently.

In our home Mom is the primary provider of food and care. Dad is the primary provider of fun and chores. The kids don’t typically come to me when they’re hungry. They don’t typically go to Jenn when they’re wanting to be thrown up in the air or tickled. That results in a different set of behaviors automatically. Approaching Mom when they’re hungry feels and looks a lot different than coming to Dad for some fun.

2. Moms and Dads discipline differently.

In my home I tend to be the primary disciplinarian. I tend to be a bit more demanding as I expect my children to respond the first time I request something. Jennifer is a bit softer and seems more willing to put up with excess whining or complaining. Kids know which parent they can ‘get away’ with such things and which they can’t.

I don’t believe you’re ever going to get kids to act exactly the same around each parent… nor would you want the to. Kids need both types of parents and the differences they provide. I find that Jennifer and I balance one another out quite a bit. Without her influence, I would tend to be to tough and demanding. Without my help, the kids might just run all over her. That being said, there are some things that should be consistent between parents.

1. Kids Should Equally Respect Both Parents

In our home it is my job to make sure my kids understand that my wife is to be respected and obeyed as much they do me. I literally had to sit down with our daughter and explain my relationship to her Mother and how much I love her… and that treating Mommy right is more important to me than the way my daughter treated me.

2. Kids Should Equally Obey Both Parents

Moms and Dads can get more consistent obedience from their kids by establishing constant expectations, limits and consequences. Kids act differently between parents because expectations and limits are different. Face it, if you spank… Dad’s spank harder… mom’s spank more. It’s different and garners a different behavior.

Sit down with your spouse and share what works and doesn’t work about discipline in your home. Share tips and tricks that you use to get what you want from your kids. Establish minimum requirements for behavior so that you both will know when to step in and correct behavior. Set up a series of escalating consequences for bad behavior that you both will follow. When discipline is consistent, behavior is consistent.

For more information on discipline check out an 8-part mini-series I did called Proper Discipline in Children’s Ministry. It’s written for children’s ministers… but the concepts apply at home even more than in the church setting.

The Pastor James Show

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About 5 years ago I was not a delegator. I felt that everything to do with the main children’s service on Sunday morning had to be created, developed and delivered by me alone. That’s what they were paying me to do. I was the children’s pastor. I was doing okay.

Then came a new volunteer that I quickly gained a lot of respect for named John. He had been the son of a well-known pastor and was trying to rise into ministry on his own without relying on his father’s name. I respect that kind of thing. After a few months I asked him what he thought of the service. He said something that rocked my world forever…

“The Pastor James Show was awesome!”

I doubt he even realized how much he was saying. Not only was he pointing out that I was doing everything on stage… it suddenly sounded very prideful and self-centered. That wasn’t my heart… but as I thought and prayed through, God showed me that pride was most defiantly an element.

I almost immediately started sharing portions of my service with my volunteers. I had someone else start leading worship. I appointed a game leader. I started asking folks to come in a little early to set up the room in 15 minutes rather than the 2 hours it was taking my wife and I to do it the night before alone. I quickly realized something…

My ministry had been limited by how much I was doing.

How jacked up is that! I was working harder than ever… but because I was doing it alone… I was limiting how effective my ministry was. As I delegated more and more I found that I had more time to focus on things I didn’t even realize I wasn’t doing. Things like building relationships with parents for example. Updating policies and procedures for another.

Thinking I was the only one who could do it right was Pride.

The Pastor James Show wasn’t about the kids… it wasn’t so much about God… it was about Pastor James. I didn’t intend for that to be the case… but when people looked up there… that’s who was shining bright… me. When I started giving stuff away, and helping others become the better and better I realized something… If you succeed more than I would in my ministry… I still win. Wins don’t only come 1st hand… they come when people you disciple and developed win as well.

Doing everything means I was focused on nothing.

I wasn’t being a children’s pastor… I was being a worship leader, puppet master, stage manager, sound and video director, security coordinator, disciplinarian, game leader and more. My job was supposed to be to bring the Word… but it was only after I let go of so much that I realized how little I was actually developing a real and genuine message from God to his children. I was more focused on schedules, props, time management and such than I was on rightly dividing the Word of God. That has defiantly changed as a result of delegating.

All of the benefits didn’t happen overnight. Giving away pieces of your job isn’t easy at first… it’s actually a lot harder than doing it yourself for a time. That’s why most folks don’t bother… but we’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

The Power of Admitting Fault To Our Children

sorry+squirrel

I’ve never been able to idolize any human being who came across as perfect. I can’t believe in something that I know isn’t real. That’s why I like my heroes to be imperfect. If they can be human… and still be awesome… that is something I can hope to achieve.

I have to believe that our children need the same type of example from us. So many times though, we parents feel that if we’re not right 100% of the time, then we lose somehow. We’re not sure what we’ll lose… but it’ll be gone and we’ll miss it and that is that!

The problem is, thinking back to my own childhood, I knew when my parents made mistakes. I made decisions, pacts, and judgments based on what I understood at the time. If they tried to gloss it over, or pretend it never happened, or even worse, make like it was right… it had the opposite effect they were hoping for. I lost respect for them and swore, once more, never to be like them.

The solution to this issue is difficult but simple. When we screw up as a parent or spouse… we need to admit it and apologize. Our kids see us when we’re acting stupid… and they need to see what happens as a result. They need to see us humble ourselves. They need an example of how to fail. We’re afraid to show weakness… but it takes guts to let it show. It takes strength to be weak.

The other day I got mad with my wife. I was loud and annoyed. Like a flash in the pan it was over… but there were my kids at the breakfast table looking at me. My daughter asked what was wrong. I told her that I got angry with Mom… but I was wrong and shouldn’t have been loud. She learned that this wasn’t acceptable or typical behavior. It wasn’t the norm… and wouldn’t be the norm. Dad was wrong and would correct the behavior. Emotional scarring averted.

It’s not the only time I have had to apologize to her. Once I was mistaken in a discipline situation. Mom had told her one thing, I didn’t know about it and told her another. Tears and confusion followed. I went to her room and told her what had happened… that she wasn’t in trouble… and that I was wrong and very sorry. You could see the hurt melt away from her eyes. Again, emotional scarring averted.

Apologizing is powerful. It sets an example. Creates accountability within the family. Helps kids see a direct link between the standards you have for them and the benefits as an adult. Mostly though, it makes you real. It turns around a negative and makes it a positive. It bonds your kids to you rather than pushing them away.

The goal with apologizing is to do it as much as necessary, but as little as possible.

Reasons We Don’t Delegate

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It’s our job

It can be hard to ask volunteers to help because we feel there are things that only we are supposed to do. Even with the rest of it, we’re the one’s being paid (in some cases anyway) to do the job. We don’t go to our volunteer’s jobs and help them.

While there may be certain things that only a pastor should do… most of what we do can and should be given away. Our job is less about doing ministry and more about training others to do it. The general rule: anything that anyone else can do should be done by someone else.

We want it done exactly how we do it

When we do everything ourselves, we learn to simplify our procedures so that we can quickly move through them and get more done. This means that in actuality, you are probably the best in the church at what you’re doing. It can be very difficult to give away one of your responsibilities because you’ve not only perfected the process… but because you want it done exactly the same way.

Though keeping every responsibility under your direct control will ensure that everything is done exactly how you want… it does limit the amount of things you are able to do. They will not do it exactly the way you would do it… but it will get done and you will be free to do more of what only you can do.

We don’t want to overwhelm volunteers

We’re so happy to get a new volunteer that we don’t want to give them anything to do right away… for fear that we’ll run them off. We know how hard our job is and we are afraid that we’ll lose our help if we give them to big a job. This was me in a nutshell.

Volunteers volunteer because they want to work. In many cases they sacrifice a ‘big church’ service that they enjoyed because they want to serve. It’s almost like they’re paying to be there. It is our job to make sure they’re getting their money’s worth. If we don’t give them something to do, they will wonder why they’re even there… and they will leave. You stand to lose more volunteers by not delegating than by sharing the load.

Our job is to difficult or complicated

In my own case, I was afraid to give away parts of my job because they were very difficult and in some cases high-pressure. I thought I was being noble because I was protecting my staff from the hardest jobs. In reality, with God’s help, I realized that I was actually being prideful. Was I the only one who could handle the tough jobs? Was I somehow better than them? With this realization I was able to look around my ministry with fresh eyes.

I realized that the most dedicated people I had in ministry were in the toughest jobs. Ministry coordinators and bus captains were the most dependable… but I couldn’t keep a person on door security to save my life. So the more stressful and draining a job was potentially, the more the people were endeared to it. So not only was I downplaying their strengths, I was robbing people of an opportunity to serve God like never before.

The other truth here is that once you give a piece of your ministry away, it will not burden them like it did you. We ministers try to carry it all ourselves and so every part can see overblown and overwhelming. But to someone who is carrying only one part, it is not overwhelming to them.

Delegation is hard work… but it’s the only way your ministry will grow larger than yourself. We’ll be talking more about that tomorrow.

Who would take your place if you got sick Sunday morning?

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Have you ever gotten sick on Sunday morning?

Yesterday, about 15 minutes before I was supposed to begin our regular Sunday kids service, I started to get waves of nausea. I grabbed the office trashcan in one hand and my cell in the other. I started texting my people and starting delegating. I asked one volunteer to preach my sermon. Another to boot up the media computer. The game lady and worship leader already knew what they were supposed to do, so no need to bother them at all. Within moments I had completely replaced myself. I fell asleep in my office chair waiting for any emergencies. My wife startled me awake a half-hour later and told me to go home. Everything was moving smoothly.

It got me thinking about delegation. There are many children’s ministers who don’t believe they (1) have people to delegate to or (2) need to even bother having someone who could do their job or (3) they feel to bad to ask anyone. But what if you got sick Sunday morning? Some might say that they’d just have to handle it… but that would be dismissing the question. For those of us who struggle with giving away parts of our job… I put that question to you:

Who would do your service if you got sick Sunday morning?

Whoever comes to mind, train those folks. If no one comes to mind… find those folks. Emergencies, illnesses and vacations happen. It just makes sense to be prepared.

This week we’ll be looking at delegation, some reasons we don’t do it, and why we should. Be sure to subscribe to our RSS feed for automatic updates.

Funny or Memorable Things To Say To Kids

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Funny OR memorable… let me explain before we dive in. I had someone tell me once, “If you can’t be good… be memorable!” A creed all underachievers can live by!

Here are some random things I say to kids to help break the ice when I meet them. Some are funny… others are just memorable. Some are one liners, others take a bit of setup.

When you’re meeting a child or checking them in… after you’ve asked their name and age… find out if they’re married.

When guessing a child’s age… never try to be accurate… guess at least two years higher than what you’re thinking. You’ll impress them because every child wants to be bigger.

Ask groups of siblings who’s got the messiest room… who eats the most… who runs the fastest. Fingers will be flying.

With twins… always ask who’s oldest. Then who’s smartest. 😉

All my kids know that they aren’t allowed to get married till they’re 35.

After service when kids are heading out with their parents, tell them, “Take a nap and clean your room!” You’ll get an amen from Mom.

Tell Mom that we decided that her child was so good in children’s church we decided that he/she could drive home today.

Tell a large group that if they don’t listen… we’re canceling everyone’s birthday! (with a huge smile of course!)

When a child tells me it’s their birthday, I congratulate them, ask them their age… and what did they get ME!

Before and after Christmas, make it clear that if anyone gets any (fill in your favorite stuff here… for me it’s Buzz Lightyear stuff) they can bring it to you rather than return it to the store.

What one-liners and jokes do you use to play with your kids?

Ways To Make Your Wife’s Birthday Extra Special (That Won’t Break You)

Due to a crazy busy few weeks, I have had my wife’s birthday sneak up on me. Not only is it tomorrow… but she’s a girl who never knows what she wants. It’s nice to have a wife that isn’t materialistic… but it’s hard on the husband. 🙂

She likes the typical stuff like presents, a cake and a party or dinner but what really does it for her are the special extras that show her I care. They especially come in handy when you’re out of town on her birthday and need to do some extra just to make it seem less than normal.

Here are some ways to add a little extra to her special day.

1. Let her sleep in. This is especially important if you have children.

2. Feed the family. Three meals a day is a huge responsibility. You can’t give her a day off without taking that one over for her. The kids may not be pleased with PB & J three times in a row… but Mom will love it!

3. Make sure she owns her current top 5 favorite songs. Thanks to iTunes and the like, it’s easy to purchase a lot of good music without spending a ton on a full CD like we did back in the day. Find out what she’s listening to on the radio, interpret the sketchy description, and purchase your best guess for her.

4. Write her a list of things you love about her. Your lady doesn’t realize how much you appreciate her. You don’t appreciate her enough. Writing up a huge list of things you love and appreciate is good for both of you. See my latest list of things I love about my wife.

5. Clean out and detail her car. Maybe you do this already… then do it again… and make it smell really good!

6. Clean her house and do the dishes. Do an extra good job. Pull the sofa away from the wall. Move the TV. Vacuum and dust like mad. Get the kids involved. Light a new Yankee Candle you picked up to make it even better.

7. Candles, novels or movies. Chances are your wife is in to one or more of those three things. Buy some. What candles does she have that are low? She wants a new one. What movies has she seen and enjoyed? Pick up a copy. Find her favorite authors and see if they’ve written anything new. You can’t lose.

8. Ask the kids what they appreciate about their Mom. Help them make a card and write it out for them (unless they’re big enough to do it themselves).

9. Massages. Buy some massage oil to make it even better (and easier on your hands).

10. Write up a book of coupons that they can cash in later for child care, breakfast in bed, sleeping in, etc. Let the giving continue way past the birthday. Make more than one of each!

11. Have a birthday message read from her favorite podcast! 😉 Half joking… but really, it’s an idea. You can sponsor an episode of Geek Loves Nerd and we’ll dedicate the entire show to her… and read a message just from you!