I Am Anti-Spider


I am anti-spider. Have you seen these advice animal pics where spiders are cute and kind but then people are hurting them? I believe it’s part of the pro-spider agenda. I just want to make it clear that at JamesKennison.com we are 100% anti-spider. I would go as far as to say that I believe that being a spider is WRONG! I am absolutely #AntiSpider.

I have been called me an Arachnophobe… and I’ll admit it’s partially true, but I have nothing against spiders personally, I just don’t want them around myself or my kids. The following are a series of short stories and observations that I have made over the years that I hope will educate you to the horrors of spiders.

Everyone’s so pro-spider these days. I have never caught one doing any of the cool things they’re supposed to do like eating a nasty bug. But sure as the world there’ll be a spider creeping up over my head while I’m in the shower. I’m anti-spider. Actually I’m anti every bug listed on the can of spray. Ticks are cool though. I feel like a surgeon when I burn their butts and pull them off my doge. Pro-tick. Anti-spider.

I did hear of this one spider who’s senses are so quick, they border on precognition… but then it bit some high-school kid.

For the past two years I have had a single strand of webbing touch my hair and/or face while walking to the car each morning. Though I have learned to wave my arm in front of me like I’m rooting for the Redskins I always imagine that some grouchy old, fisherman-type spider slings that web every night thinking, “Tomorrow. I’ll catch him tomorrow.”

God made Daddy Longlegs to be the only non-scary spider. I haven’t pulled all the legs off of one for over 30 years… but I do look back on the last time  fondly.

In Southern Georgia there are spiders that measure about 3 inches across (Argiope aurantia). They spin huge webs between pine trees and sit right in the middle waiting for you to ride your bike right through it with it’s body squarely aligned with your face. The web is so large that after tearing free the loose fibers wraps around your head sticking to one another… literally sealing your face inside with the monster spider. The only thing you can do is Crash, Drop and Tear at your face. A variation on Stop, Drop and Roll.

Arachnophobia, the film, came out in 1990 when I was in 12th grade. Having a super-strict mother it was at that point the scariest movie I’d ever seen… except for Back To The Future III.

You can help by spreading the truth about spiders… and posting a photo on your wall holding a card with the I’m #AntiSpider hashtag. Also killing them on sight is good.


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