Monthly Archives: June 2009

Why Do Children’s Ministers Struggle?

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frustrated-man1

Over the years I have noticed something. It seems to me that children’s ministers can be some of the most heavily burdened people in ministry. Why is that I wonder? I have some theories.

It’s one of the most important ministries in the church.

Statistics show that if a child hasn’t made a decision for Christ by age 8 they aren’t likely to at all. But do we really need statistics to know that children are precious to the Kingdom? They are living potential. Our enemy works tirelessly to attract, warp and destroy their lives. We are one of the folks on the front lines defending their souls. It’s not easy.

We wear many hats.

Children’s Ministers do more than preach on Sunday morning. Often times we’re Game Leader, Worship Leader, Puppet Team, Check-in Coordinator, Sound Person, Maintenance, Security and Janitor. Even if you’re blessed enough to have folks who do most of those things for you it is still your responsibility to see that they’re done… and your consequences to suffer if they’re not.

We are responsible for their safety and wellbeing.

No other minister in the church is in precisely the same situation we are when it comes to the safety of our congregation. Where else are the ministers completely responsible for the very lives of the people they minister to? Nowhere. From the moment the kids are dropped off till the minute they’re picked up, they might as well be our own kids. It’s a unique and challenging situation. We must keep them safe from the outside world and one another… all that while trying to keep them spiritually safe as well.

We must discipline and teach.

A minister can never just get up and preach. We’ve got to be entertaining, engaging and great at holding the attention of a crowd. If you’re a children’s minister, you’ve also got to keep them from hitting, throwing, talking, moving, sleeping and whatever else comes into their mind during your well prepared, heart-felt message. They say that preaching a typical sermon is the equivalent of an 8 hour work day…. but add to that the distractions, redirections and normal interruptions… make that a 16 hour day.

We minister to multiple people groups.

I remember when I thought being a Children’s Pastor meant that I would only work with children. Boy, was I wrong. Sure we work with kids… but we’ve also got their parents. We’ve got leadership we answer to as well as trying to be a part of the congregation as a whole. Let’s not forget our own volunteer staff. We’ve got a ton of folks to please… and often with conflicting expectations. It’s like having to juggle 5 balls, but only being able to juggle 3. To juggle them all, we’ve got to take turns… and someone is always being left out.

We’re often separated from the Big Show.

We do service during the big service so automatically we’re removed from the greatest spiritual and physical resource at our church. The spiritual food we so desperately need and the human resources we need almost as badly. This often leads us to believe that we are alone. The only ones who care. That parents are our enemy and that the Pastor is unappreciative. If that won’t wear you down, I don’t know what will.

I find it interesting that it is the circumstances of my own ministry that stand the most chance to ruin my ministry. Circumstances… not Satan… so once again my worst enemy is me. How can I combat these when they are mandatory side-effects of ministry well-done? We do not fight them at all… but rather become aware of each and compensate for them.

It’s an important ministry… but it’s not YOUR ministry.

God put the burden for training up a child on the children’s parents. The trend today is for children’s pastors to consider themselves the end-all-be-all for their kids’ spiritual well-being. The only problem is that we are literally incapable of bearing that responsibility, though many of us try. Not only is this arrogant, it’s dangerous. Our job is to be another voice from God in their lives. We are just another seed planter. We cannot make it grow. The Word does that on it’s own. That’s why we say it’s living and active. Free yourself from the total responsibility. Cast that burden where it belongs, on the shoulders of God Himself. Keep doing what you’re doing, but leave the results in His hands. It’s not your word…. it’s God’s Word.

Delegate anything someone else can do.

They won’t do it like you would. They may not do it as well. But you need to give pieces of your ministry away. We may think we’re being considerate… not wanting to burden others with our work… but we’re actually being prideful. Who are we to decide that they can’t handle a hard job? Are we the only ones who are tough enough? See how prideful that sounds? Your ministry will never grow any larger than you if you don’t give bits of it away. And if you keep doing it alone, your ministry will shrink right along with you as your burn yourself out. For more listen to Episode 9 – Delegating our Responsibilities.

Secure your ministry

If we’re responsible for those little lives… then we’ve got to be responsible with them. That means we’ve got to run background checks on every volunteer. Set-up some sort of secure check-in and out procedure to ensure that kids are going home with the right people. Write up and enforce policy to protect those kids against predators, and your workers against the appearance of evil. This sounds like an overwhelming task, but it will provide a lot of peace when you know you’re providing a safe place for your kids to interact with Jesus. For tips on where to start with policy listen to Episode 13 – Policy & Procedure.

Establish and train a consistent discipline policy.

Kids do a lot better when they know what is expected of them… and understand the consequences of not living up to to those expectations. Our job is not to make a child be good… it’s to help them become more like Jesus Christ. You’ll never change a kids life by putting them in time-out… it’s only God’s Word that can do that. Establishing a discipline policy will help you get over your discipline issues so that you can do real ministry. Need more? Check this out: Proper Discipline in Children’s Ministry.

Be a consistent minister.

You may have a lot of people to serve… but who we’re really serving is God. We can’t please everyone…. but we can live to please Him. The way we do that is through consistent obedience to his Will and his Word. If we focus on that… the rest will take care of itself. We don’t have to wear one face around the kids and another around the parents. Being a God-honoring minister/human being will bring respect from each people group. It will keep you focused on a consistent source of appreciation, love and acceptance.

Stay involved.

Does your church have two morning services? Lucky! If not you’re going to have to work hard to stay connected. Cancel one service a month if you must. Do Sunday mornings and cancel the evening services. Delegate the service prep and performance to someone else and go to big church once in a while. Suggest pre-service Pastor’s Prayer so that you can know what’s going to happen in big church. Ask your Pastor to let you know what you missed during staff meetings. Just knowing can be a great connection. But remember, it’s not anyone’s job to keep you connected… and you have no ministry outside of the service you provide to that body. You’ve got to be a part of it to be effective in the least.

What issues do you struggle with in your ministry to children? What do you do to compensate for the natural consequences of a well-done ministry? Share in the comments.

Practical Ways To Redirect A Child’s “Super Powers”

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Before you dive into this post, you should first read Helping Kids Use Their Super Powers For Good, the post this post is a follow-up to.

“Any practical suggestions for redirecting some of the “bad” powers toward Christ-centered purposes?  For example, my wife had a child who liked being the center of attention in music time, so she had him hold the poster-board with the lyrics.  He got to be up front (which he loved) and learned to serve the other kids at the same time! What do you do with the very active child to redirect his energy while in a group setting?” question submitted by reader Austin.

Austin already has the right idea… or at least his wife does. 😉

I don’t know if there is going to be a hard-set way to redirect every child’s ‘powers’. Every child is so unique and every situation requires a different approach. We can look at things from one step back though and give some suggestions to help folks come up with their own ways to harness and redirect our kid’s energies.

1. Learn That Kid

What makes them who they are? What kind of family-life do they have? How do they act at school? At home? Typically I’ve found that every challenging child has at least one environment that they thrive in. I find that area… study it to see why it’s working, and try to weave that into my program… or at least their part of the program. Is it the leader? The group dynamic? The discipline structure? Something is pulling the best from that child and I’m going to find out what it is and harness it for myself.

2. Imagine Their Potential

God has a plan for every person. A plan to prosper them and not to harm them. Every good and perfect Gift comes from God. God also works everything out for the good of those who love him. Knowing these things means that I must believe God has a plan for my kid. He has a set of gifts and talents that God wants to use. It’s my job to have a vision for each child that is shaped by what I know about how God feels toward his children. Every negative must be seen as a positive. I know that seems to make no sense… but God has a plan right? It may require a lot of prayer… but you must have a clear viision of what God possibly has in store for that child. We’re not talking about knowing exactly to the day what God will have them doing… but more of a view of the kind of person God created them to be.

Once you have that vision, you can then…

3. Provide An Atmosphere That Draws Them To Their Potential

Our goal is not to make them be good… it’s to help them become like Christ. We’re not, no not never going to change a child with time-outs and conferences with parents. God will change a child’s heart when we provide situations where his intentions for their ‘powers’ are presented. When a child is allowed to be the Godly version of themselves, and they are accepted and loved… it will create an appetite for using their energies for more good. It’s a simple concept really. Most things concerning God really are simple… but simple doesn’t mean it’s not difficult.

Practical Ideas On Redirecting Super Powers:

  • Active Kid – Add lots of music with full body motions to your time. Allow this child to lead on stage. Break your time into clear segments. Perhaps even moving around the room for different activities. Repeat expectations weekly and be consistent in enforcing them.
  • Talkative Kid – Include talk times in your program. Give this child a chance to tell others about their day. Maybe you start the class by asking kids to rate their week on a scale of 1-10 and then explain why. If you’re telling a bible story, involve this child as a narrator, or an actor to repeat lines you feed them in real-time. Be clear that there are times to be loud, and times to be quiet. Talk times are for talking, quiet times are for listening. Let the class know when it’s one or the other. This way the talkative child knows when they can let the words fly.
  • Quiet Kid – No one thinks about the quiet kids… but often times they’re disobeying as much as the loud kid… but they’re quiet so we don’t mind if they don’t participate. It’s okay to be an introvert, we’re not going to try to change their personality… but we are going to require a minimum amount of participation. You don’t have to sing, but you do need to stand. You don’t have to pray, but we do need a prayer request. Whatever it is make your expectations high… but your requirements low. That way this child feels more comfortable doing the requirement because they aren’t required to do the expected. Make sense? There are ways this child can contribute that they will be comfortable with. Maybe they draw, write, play, or like to share. Maybe talk to Mom and have their pet visit the class. This will make them the star of the show… but all the scary attention will be on the dog. So it’s all good.
  • Rambunctious Kid – You know that boy who always ends up fighting because he plays so rough? Yeah, that kid. God gave him toughness and boldness. Help him by giving him some responsibility over some younger kids. You’ll be giving him the chance to feel big… but in a giant teddy bear sort of way. He’ll soon learn that God gave him his powers to protect others rather than damage them.
  • Joker Kid – The kid who isn’t bad… they just like to make everything funny. This kid needs attention. He does. He’s a performer. Help him, like Austin’s wife did, by providing positive experiences where he can have his 15 min’s of fame, but it’s not all about him. Doing service projects is a great way. Having a reward system in place that offers badges or other rewards that are given in a public setting in front of peers and parents. Some leaders might struggle with the urge to keep this child needy rather than fulfilling because it seems self-centered. If the church doesn’t fill it positively and absolutely, the world will be more than happy to do it for us.

Do you feel unable to handle your own kids? Feeling under talented and over worked. Remember, God has given you your own set of Super Powers… ask him to reveal any secret powers and to enhance the ones you know about. And remember, he called YOU to these kids. Not because they’re easy… or because you’re perfect for the job… but because he needed your particular set of skills and your faithfulness and willingness to get the job done through you.

25 Random Things I Love About My Wife

Jennifer

Let’s start a new meme… one that will actually do some good. I loved “25 Random Things About Me” as much as the next guy… but what could be better than bragging on our spouses?

  1. She’s the cutest wife ever.
  2. She does a podcast with me.
  3. She let’s me do podcasts.
  4. She is an awesome mother.
  5. She’s a great wife.
  6. She keeps herself in shape.
  7. She’s a great cook.
  8. Other people are impressed by her. They actually think more of me because I’m married to her.
  9. She’s very disciplined.
  10. She has great hair.
  11. She doesn’t decorate our bedroom with girly flower prints and such.
  12. Sometimes she doesn’t fall asleep while we’re watching movies.
  13. She helps me in my ministry.
  14. She smells good.
  15. Once in a while she’ll play Xbox with me.
  16. She thinks I look good.
  17. She trusts God with our life and future.
  18. She doesn’t talk bad about me to her friends.
  19. She works hard to make the best of bad situations.
  20. She dresses the kids very well. They never look like trailer babies.
  21. She wakes me up nice every morning.
  22. She has a great personality.
  23. The way she’ll turn her head away so I won’t see her smiling at something I said… that she wants to find annoying, but can’t help but laugh at.
  24. She is aware of her issues and strives to compensate for them… rather than being defensive and sensitive.
  25. Who needs a reason? She’s amazing!

Postcards Uplift Volunteers And You

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postcard

If you’re like me, finding the negative in your ministry is a lot easier than seeing the positive. It’s not that we can’t see the good… it’s just the things we’d like to see changed and improved are constantly in our faces where the positives are typically those things the are running smoothly and therefore more easily ignored. Yet another case of the urgent outweighing the important.

It’s mandatory for folks like us to compensate for that by finding natural ways to see and glorify the positive. We can do that by finding a simple way to give some praise to the people in our programs who are making that happen.

One of the things I’ve done in the past… and need to start doing again… is committing to write out and actually mail one postcard per week to someone that I noticed was going above and beyond. I had a bunch printed at Preferred Print with our logo… but it’s not the front of the card that matters. I’d write out a brief note on the back mentioning specifically what I caught them doing right during the last service, sign it, and mail that puppy out. The feedback was amazing. Folks would keep the card on their fridge for months and months.

Not only is such a little thing a huge blessing to the person you’re praising, it will help you to look for (and find) the positive things that are happening all around you. Though it is important to walk around and look for things that need improving (thanks Jim Wideman) doing nothing but that can quickly make folks like me feel that there is nothing excellent going on and that everything is less than it should be. Even if that’s reality… even if it is true… there are still folks putting their hearts and souls into your ministry and they’re doing a lot of good along the way to where you all want to be.

Recently I tossed the remainder of the cards because we updated our logos… kinda got out of the habit. Guess it’s time to submit another postcard order. I’m thinking about a design featuring my son…

Parenting Is Setting The Example, And Scary

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A wise man once said, “At first a kid will do what you say… but then they’ll do what you do.” A scary thought huh. It means that properly raising your child is more than modifying bad habits and behaviors in your child… it’s also becoming the person you want you child to become yourself.

I think this is why so many parents aren’t properly disciplining their children these days. They feel hypocritical correcting behavior in their children that they aren’t controlling in themselves.

It’s also the reason so many teens become super rebellious. They see an inconsistency between what they’ve always been told and how their parents have lived their lives. They lose respect for their authority figures and use it as an excuse to do their own thing their way.

Another wise man once presented me with a concept that change my life. He asked me about the condition of my life. My habits, my thought life and the condition of my spirit. I told him I was fine with all three. Then he asked me if I would wish any of the three on another person that I cared about. In that exact moment I realized that no part of my life was worth duplicating. I committed to improving myself physically, mentally and spiritually and it’s a good thing… because within a few years I was having my own children. Little lives that I was responsible for. Little personalities that were being shaped by my attitudes, outlooks and habits.

Ask yourself that question: “Is my life worth duplicating in my children?” And respond accordingly.

Helping Kids Use Their Powers For Good

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Every child has Superpowers. Like mutants in an X-man movie some of them have level 1 powers… some are level 4 or more… but they all have them.

Obviously I’m not talking about mutant healing factor or the power to control metal with your mind. To me, superpowers are God-given abilities that each child posses. And these powers can be used for good… or to get them in a lot of trouble.

Some kids have the power of too much energy. They move to much and talk to much. They are overly excited and are constant interrupting.

Other kids have a more socially acceptable set of powers. They play piano, they sing, they’re funny and can make people laugh or they’re just generally pleasant to be around.

I am convinced that each child has these powers and that they are God-given. If they are God-given then they have a good purpose, even if they’re not currently being used properly. It is part of our job, as children’s ministers, to do our part in shaping those children into becoming the person God intends them to be. That shaping doesn’t involve removing their powers… but rather helping them to use their powers for good instead of evil. 🙂

With the overly excitable child, get it in your head that God created him that way. He’s not bad. He’s not a problem, he’s just not using his superpowers properly. Create opportunities in your setting for him (and others) to use their powers in a constructive way. This child has been told his entire life to sit down and shut-up… he’s been told his powers are bad… help him use them for God’s glory.

With the talented child we are so quick to glorify their powers. We’ll put them on stage, give them extra kudos in public… but this child runs the same risk of using their powers for less than honorable means. The church has a way of making a talented child very self-centered. They learn to use their powers to bring attention and glory to themselves. And since they’re children who are still developing it’s more than self-centeredness… it can become the way they value their self-worth. As they grow they will become performance based and chase after public acceptance and possible allow people to take advantage of them just to feel accepted. Why do you think so many secular music artists today had their start in the church? It’s up to us to help these children find a more constructive way to use their powers. God gave them to bring glory to himself… to draw people to him. It’s not an easy task, but it’s what we’re called to do.

I hope this has opened your mind a bit and possibly rewritten your opinion about a few of the kids in your ministry. If we look at them as untapped potential rather than behavior problems we’re already halfway to helping them become what God wants them to be.

If this article has been helpful at all, please leave a note in the comments. Thanks.

10 Ways To Do Father’s Day Right

FathersDay

Father’s Day is coming up. It’s got to be one of the most downplayed events of the year. The role of the father has been devalued in our culture to the point that virtually no one feels it’s an occasion worth celebrating at all.

I believe the reasons for that are many. Any role that is abused by those who fill it is destined to be devalued. But there are many of us Dads out there who take their job very seriously and are darned good at it. We deserve a pat on the back.

With that in mind, here are a few ways you can make the Father in your life feel like a million bucks… without going broke.

10. Don’t ever refer to him as one of your children.

I’ve heard many a loving wife jokingly add one additional child to the total when they’re asked how many kids they have. “It’ll be nice when I get him raised,” they’ll say. Would you like it if he talked to his friends like that about you?

9. Let him overhear you talking him up.

This is the polar opposite of the last point. Rather than your husband catching you talking him down… how much will it pump him up to hear you talking good about him? We husbands are pretty simple. We rise or fall to the level you treat us like we’re at already. Treat your man like he’s a 10… pretty soon, he’ll start being an 11.

8. Bake something.

Seriously. Nothing says “I love you” like baking. Make cookies. A cake. Perhaps a peach cobbler. Heck, we’d settle for a banana putting with 3 boxes of vanilla wafers. If you’ll ask him nicely, I’m sure he’d agree to eat it all before you were tempted to do it yourself.

7. Give him some guilt-free time.

I know it may seem he already gets a lot of that already… but guilt-free free time is priceless and not the same as sneaking off to play video games. The more guilt-free time you give him… the less he’ll take from the family later on.

6. New Socks, Underwear and Undershirts.

Don’t wrap them up and give them to him. It’s embarrassing and underwhelming in that context. Buy them and put them in his drawer without saying a word. It’ll be a huge surprise the next morning to find a drawer full of fresh, unworn whites. Every man’s dream.

5. Watch one of his movies with him/Play one of this video games with him.

Men have an unsaid creed: “Love me, Love my stuff”. It’s true. If you really want to show him you care, offer to do some of his stuff with him. If it’s golf, have at it. Fishing? Put on the flannel shirt. Hunting? Bambie is doomed. Video games? Consider yourself lucky you’re not in the woods with that other wife gutting a Disney character.

4. Take him out to dinner.

It’s cliché but if the restaurant serves steak or giant hamburgers… he’s gonna love it. Just don’t have anyone come out and sing to him. This time… spring for appetizers and dessert.

3. Have the kids write notes rather than make cards.

Cards a good… but a note listing out what his kids think of him is even better. Tell the kids to write a list of their favorite things about dad. If they’re to little to write, write it for them as they dictate. If they’re super young, write it up as if they did it themselves. If they’re older be more specific and have them write several of their all time favorite memories over the past years. Then have them put that in a card if you want. He might cry.

2. Lots of hugs, kisses and compliments.

Your man is a lot more like you than you may think. He likes to be told he’s good looking, wonderful, hard-working, a good father and husband. He likes you to fawn over him. As an added bonus… with every kiss and hug, you’ll probably get a kiss and hug in return. It’s a good investment either way.

1. Good lovin’.

We’re all married adults here. You know what I’m talking about so do that… very well.

Thoughts On Being Creative [Creativity]

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thinking-cap

Creativity is a funny thing. People think that it’s something you’re born with… and if you’re not… your out of luck. Though I agree some folks have creativity overload, I do not agree that if you’re not naturally creative that you cannot be a creative person with great original ideas. Here are some of my thoughts on creativity.

I believe you can pray for creativity. Some folks are born more naturally patient than others… but does that mean the rest of us can’t ask God for patience when we need it? No! God gives us gifts when we need them. Creativity is no different. It’s a gift from a loving God that can be given at a moment’s notice. The key is…

Creativity comes when you put yourself in a situation where you must be creative. Creativity is hard work… even for the naturally creative. It takes time and brain cells. Most folks will settle for less than stellar ideas because it’s easier or because they have other alternatives. It’s easier to look up an object lesson than to create one yourself for instance (not always actually). It’s easier to pay someone to do it rather than risk doing it yourself. When we eliminate all other options… and force ourselves to be creative… that’s when genius comes.

The only difference between a creative person and an uncreative person is how long it takes to create. Have you ever listened to a comedian and really related to what they were saying… but found it hilarious because of the perspective they took on it? It’s one of those moments where you may say to yourself, “That is so true… I just never thought of it that way.” That’s the difference between them and us. They see something… but think it through one or two levels further then we do. It’s almost like we could have come up with that ourselves if we’d sat long enough. Creativity is like that. Naturally creative people come up with ideas pretty fast. Folks who would call themselves uncreative can do the same thing… they will just need to push a little harder and stick with it a little longer. I call it The Third Idea.

It goes like this: The first idea you come up with, you’ve got to assume that it’s the first thing that would come to anyone’s mind. Push yourself to keep thinking. Your second idea is going to be better… but again, anyone who invested just a little time would probably come up with the same thing. The trick is to not fall in love with your ideas an be willing to push yourself through to that third idea. That’s going to be the place where almost no one would go. Truly original and creative ideas start coming through at this point. Try it yourself. You’ll hear folks say, “I would have never thought of that,” and they’re right.

What thoughts and input do you have on this topic? Leave them in the comments!

Visions Aren’t Everything

tvopener

Several years ago I had an issue with one of my leaders in Children’s Ministry. It was over uniforms for a girls group. The group were supposed to be wearing them… but they weren’t even being offered uniforms by the group’s leadership. When I approached the leader I was told that the girls couldn’t afford the class A uniforms. I proposed that we go with a class B or even C option which would be a matching T-shirt with a sash for badges. This idea was whole-heartedly rejected by my leader.

Why? She wanted the class A uniforms and was willing to wait. It had been over 5 years at that point with no uniforms. It was time to admit something: that we were never going to have perfection. We needed to settle for (in her mind) something less… because it was better than nothing.

I’ve recently applied the lesson I learned from that experience to my marriage. I find that I have this perfect vision of what I want my family to be… and vision is a good thing don’t get me wrong. But it doesn’t make sense to stubbornly demand your vision at the expense of an obvious reality.

We may want our spouse to act or be a certain way. We have a vision for them… but what power do we have to change them? None! It may be time for us to adjust our ideas and accept something ‘less’ in order to ultimately get more from our relationships.

Our vision is probably not as ‘perfect’ anyway. We’re flawed people. Often our expectations of our spouses are based on overcompensations for some unmet need or emotional injury from our past. It’s ultimately very unfair to hold others to our own standards. It assumes to much in the first place… that we know exactly what everyone in the family needs to be happy.

Meanwhile, while we’re all waiting for that perfect dream… everyone’s miserable.

We can’t change people… but we can provide an atmosphere that instigates change. That atmosphere cannot be one of judgment and disapproval but rather one of unconditional love, understanding, selflessness and example setting. We aren’t settling for less… rather we’re improving our situation by accepting reality and making selfless, sacrificial adjustments from where we are now… which ultimately get is closer to where we need to be, rather than where we dreamed we’d be.