Okay so hi. I’ll just jump right in. I’m doing loads better in the big picture. It’s up and down from day to day. Even within the same day I can have several mood swings. I have always been thankful that I’ve never swung toward the Anger spectrum of emotions. Sadness and Not-sadness has been the span.
Chest pain is gone… replaced by chest pressure, but only during times of severe anxiety… which are rarer and rarer… long sentence. I never know when or why I’ll feel anxiety about whatever is going on or about to happen. Unless my Mom calls. That’s 100% anxiety for sure.
Sleeping at night is pretty awesome. I’ve had problems sleeping at night for years. My mind just wouldn’t shut down. Between some medication and a “bedtime ritual” (basically doing something until I can’t stay awake then passing out on the couch).
Struggling with a lot of guilt. As I am now able to think more about things as my mind and emotions clear, I am realizing how much my condition has affected my family and those around me. Every day there is a reminder. Every single day. From a child at daycare asking why I don’t do chapel services to my daughter being approached by the school guidance counselor. My wife tells me there is no one to blame… and I understand that… but it all happened because of what happened to me. I’m the cause. It’s just a rational fact. Probably sounds like a horrible thing to believe… and it may very well be… but it also keeps me driven to do the most I can when I can. It’s an attempt to minimize the impact of my condition.
I’ve been supplementing my meds with some Fish oil (which I believe is actually Devil poop) and Vitamin D (which are cute and don’t smell like The Little Mermaid died). I also take a new capsule which is not a medicine or a supplement. It’s called a “Medical Food” and is supposed to make me more susceptible (probably a better word but I can’t think of it) to the positive effects of what I’m taking. I’ve generally been more sensitive to the negative side-effects. Seems to be working.
I’ve been enjoying things again. Finding pleasure in activities… which trust me, it’s something you really take for granted until it’s gone. I’ve built some Star Wars Lego ships and have started blogging and reaching out on Twitter and Facebook… slowly and cautiously. I don’t trust how I feel enough to just jump back into things.
I don’t trust anything about this. I’ve been tricked by my own body before. Felt like a million bucks one minute and huddled in the bed freaking out the next. I’m hopeful… but skeptical. My biggest fear as of late has been that this is as good as I will get. Almost better.
God is silent, but present. He seems cool with where I’m at right now. My good friend David Godbout said, “The teacher doesn’t talk during the test. You have to listen before it”. My answer? Maybe if I cheat off someone’s paper I can get him talking again. 😉
We’re in such a weird place right now. Jenn and I have always made choices in our lives to honor God and with a security that comes from being in proper control of your life. Being both first-borns we don’t look to others to solve our problems. We look at all of the available options, weigh and pray them to death, then cautiously and slowly make a choice. With where we are now… everything is out of our hands. We can’t make plans because the future is so unsure. Everything is in the air and very little can be pinned down. So the area we put the most effort in is with the kids. Trying to keep their lives as normal and unscathed as possible.
Jenna said the other day, “Have you been to the doctor?” (I now realize that she thinks that when you go to the doctor you get better every time.) “Not yet… why?” “Because I think you’re getting better. You did Legos. You went to the beach with us. You got in the water and you were the Shark.” It’s good to hear but heartbreaking. How many things am I not doing for them?
A man wants to be dependable. It’s the basis of providing what a wife needs which is security. Which is the basis for what children need, consistency. It’s been tough on Jenn trying to provide both security and dependability. If you’re going to pray for anyone, pray for her. I’ve lost everything that mattered to me except her and those kids. They deserve the best version of me possible.
On that front along with taking supplements and vitamins I’m also trying Weight Watchers for the 3rd time in my life. Been doing it for 3 weeks now and let’s just say the scale is moving in the right direction. Jenn and I will also be joining a gym soon and I plan to go 2-3 times a week. Just cardio. Those muscle guys freak me out so that limits the areas of the gym I will enter.
So many of you commented and messaged me about having gone through your own bout with depression, bi-polarism or anxiety. Several of you mentioned you were actively going through it. I always feel the need to end with some nugget of wisdom. It’s the pastor in me I guess.
“Your feelings feel like reality. They change reality. But they are not reality.”
How bout that.