Tag Archives: humor

My Cross-stitch Creation

When I was a younger man it was a popular thing to hang cute cross-stitched signs over your toilet. Usually they were very frilly with flowers, kittens and a message that made it feel good to be a woman.

Not being a woman I thought it was a bit odd that none of these stitched signs ever addressed men. Men are the ones standing in the correct position while in the bathroom to be able to read the signs after all.

So I wrote my own cute poem. I bought some fabric, thread and a needle and cross-stitched my own “cute” sign for men and had it hanging over my toilet until I got married and my wife replaced it with a lighthouse painting with a scripture.

Here is that poem.

If you’re a guy and this you’re readin’
Then most likely you’re a peein’

But if you’re readin’ what you’re seein’
Are you seein’ where you’re peein’?

See it’s funny because anything over a toilet is a bad idea. We men need to be able to focus on what we’re doing. So my little poem addressed that issue and every other little thing I found hilarious about the cross-stitch trend.

What? You think this is just a silly story? Need some proof? Well you’re in luck! It just so happens that I still have my cross-stitch creation. Enjoy.

Note the yellow stitching on the pink carpet. What could that be?

Click it to make it big enough to read.

Weight Loss Update: Week 1

Have you seen the episode of Doctor Who where the little Adipose aliens were coming out of people’s excess fat? It was a wonderful weight loss system… until everyone turned completely into a mess of the little jobbers.

"Could you lose some more weight? I need a friend."

I kinda wish that would happen right about now. My stomach would flex and wiggle. This cute little nasty guy would pop out from under my shirt, wave goodbye and float away. He would even wave and smile with his one little sharp scary tooth. The best part being I bet each Adipose weighs in at around 5 pounds.

Alas, it is not that easy… or dangerous.

Getting carried away with weight loss is dangerous.

So all that to say my first week is behind me. I lost 2 pounds. So about half a Adipose. Now I’m glad they don’t exist. Who would want to deal with half an alien crawling around your house. Clean up alone…

Experience tells me that I should be losing about 2 pounds every week if I follow the plan. That means I should be within goal range in about 42 weeks or 6 months. That’s a little depressing… but I worked a lot longer and a lot harder getting fat! I had to overeat every single day! It took years of work to get me where I am now.

People have no respect for how hard it is to avoid doing a sit-up. You do half a one just getting up in the morning!

So here’s to waiting on September! I’ll be nice and skinny just in time for the Holidays!! Welcome back my little Adipose!

Current stats:

  • Starting weight: 262.2 lbs
  • Current weight: 260.2 lbs
  • Goal: ~175
  • 5% Goal: 248.9 lbs
  • Daily points: 51

Share Your Funny, Embarrassing, Horrific Kidmin Stories For Our Next Episode

Ever had an object lesson blow up in your face? Or fall flat? Ever had a child barf right at the wrong time? What about those parents who’s kids do no wrong and the excuses they give? We’ve all got a story to tell.

I’m sure you’ve never had anything at all ever in the world go wrong in your only slightly less than perfect experience in ministry to children… but I’d still like to see if there is anyone else out there who has had wonderfully horrible things happen at the worst possible times.

I’d like the next episode of Help! I’m A Children’s Pastor to give you an audience!

Not only will we laugh our faces off, I’ll bet we’ll each find something we can relate to as well. So email, record or call in your best (or worst) story. Try to keep it as short as you can, but don’t sacrifice the content.

Send your stories via email, phone or audio:

helpimacp@gmail.com or call 209-5NLCast

Got a Kidmin personality you’d like to hear from? Let them know! Shoot um a link!

Looking forward to this. Thanks for your support.